Do You Know What I Know
by wsm021
Summary: Sometimes things happen, things we never talk about... never even acknowledge. These moments change not only our lives but who we are. And though people say they understand, they really don't. Because while they may see the decision, may be there when the dust settles only you know the journey in-between.
1. You Know It's Real When It Hurts

AN: Each chapter will be an individual response/missing scene to the new episodes starting with 4x08... may go til the end of season may not. Also keep in mind that as things chance in cannon so will the tone of the story. Enjoy

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_Does this feel wrong? _

"Yes." Elena recoils as if she's been slapped and its all she can do to stay up right. How can the one thing she was sure of feel wrong? How can the one person whose always been on her side not know? This... he was everything to her. How can he not feel that.

"This isn't you Elena. How can it feel right when I know that this isn't really you." She takes another step back, and another and another until her back hits the wall and she crumbles to the ground. She can't breathe, tears cloud her vision and there's a ringing in her ears. She should be convincing him that he's wrong, she should be showing him just how much she loves him, but deep inside she knows it wont make a difference. She isn't human anymore and the sire bond taints every weapon in her arsenal. Even the most sacred. _I love you. _

It's his turn to retreat. His turn to bow his head and fight against the tears, All Damon had ever hope for had just been laid in front of him. There was such conviction in her voice it almost broke his resolve. She looks so fragile and battered, all he wants to hold her, care for her, make her strong again. His warrior princess. His mind conjures all moments where she was his Elena, when she was fierce and reckless, wild and free, all the moments she forgot she was spoken for and gave in to him. His heart remembers the fallout, the guilt that always plagued her, the words she never let go of. "It will always be Stefan" and if not for some stupid mystic juju-bond it would be Stefan now

Never had she hated herself so much than in this moment. Never had she regretted her words more. She did this. She broke whatever trust he'd had them. Damon might want her until his dying breath but never would he accept that he had her. Even if they dealt with the sire bond, even if she were human again, he would never believe. She can't take the words back, can't undo the damage, she couldn't stop him from sending her away. _Just give me a day. Please Damon just a day to be us. _

What is he supposed to do when those doe eyes gazed at him through wet lashes? He would lay down his life to keep her from ever looking so desolate. A day, twenty-four hours. Had he not asked the same from her yesterday, before the whole world had gone to shit. When they were disgustingly happy and in love. "One day."

He says it through his teeth as if the cost of those two words was too painful to endure. She doesn't get up, not for a long while. She's wasting what little time she has but her body isn't capable of much more. Maybe if she doesn't move and he doesn't move than time will stand with them. They can stay right here, together, in love and brokenhearted for all of eternity. When he takes her into his arms it hurts, not just because his grip is bruising but because she is acutely aware of how little time she's spent in these arms. And now instead of reveling in them she's thinking about how little time she has left. _I choose you. If it comes down to you or the way things used to be, the person I was. I will always choose you._ Because breaking his heart is just one of her many gifts. Another reason he's not quite sure he's made the right call. But Damon's never been one to consider the consequences. He does what he wants because even when you have eternity there are no guarantees the opportunity may come again. Elena could very well hate him when all of this is over, but what would it matter. She would forgive him eventually, they would be sort-of-friends and she would be his brother's girl, again. At least next time around he'll be able to hold onto the memory of what it was like to be loved by her.

She knows they won't be doing anything tonight with the same certainty that she knows that she'll be alone tomorrow night and every night afterwards. Elena cries openly because her heart is breaking in so many different ways, because her mind trying to find a solution wallow give up fight back and stay sane all at once. She loses it in his arms because neither of them are strong enough to pretend. He holds her tighter if that's even possible, and contributes a few tears of his own. She kisses him until she can feel her soul bleeding out. She kisses him until she knows that no matter what happens she will never forget the way he feels.


	2. When The World Goes To Hell

AN: Okay I know I'm beyond slacking on this but in my defence I graduate next year and getting into graduate studies isn't easy. And yes, I still fully intend to cover 4x09-finale but obviously I can no longer promise I'll be posting after each episode or in order (there will no doubt be backtracking) So here's 4x15.

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She knew what he was going to do the second their eyes met. It was one of the reasons she loved him so much. How well they knew each other. How far they would go for each other. How they could never be sure where the point of no return was but always kept from going too far.

While Stefan had been concerned about getting her home, Damon had stayed to search for Bonnie. Because that was what she needed; to know that she hadn't lost everything. That they hadn't failed completely. While Stefan was sure Damon would talk (force) her through the grief towards acceptance, she knew better.

Because Damon wasn't about doing what was _best_. No, Damon was about doing what needed to be done. And what she needed more than anything right now was to be okay. There was no getting past this, no accepting a world without her brother and Damon knew that, because he knew her, could burn the world down if anything ever happened to _his_ little brother and not blink because he loved like her. So she lets him hold her, begs him to do what she already knows he will.

He would do it because right now there was no time for grief. Right now Klaus wanted them dead for killing his little brother. Right now Katherine had the cure and they had no idea what she was planning on doing with it. Right now her best friend was a brainwashed sociopath well on her way to being the most powerful witch in the world. Right now they were dealing with the first immortal being whose face they had never seen, whose endgame they couldn't anticipate and whose moves they couldn't predict. Right now they had bigger things to deal with than Elena Gilbert the emotionally crippled doppelganger.

He would bring her back when she was ready, when they were ready. All he can do is hope that there would be a world to bring her back to. Stefan's worried that she won't be there, that spending too much time switched off would corrupt her. There's a lot about vampirism that Stefan was wrong about. No, Damon knew that everything Elena felt was still there, still a part of her. The only difference was her access to her emotions, instead of everything being heightened now everything was muted. She would be well aware of everything she felt, she just couldn't actively feel them, wouldn't care about them. All she would care about was getting done what needed to be done. It would be all about the bottom line

It would be his job now to feel for her. To make sure she didn't do things she couldn't come back from. Make sure their band of codependent misfits… their family came out alive. That the sacrifices made were ones she could live with. Because he would have to be the one to bring her back, the one to open that volatile can of worms and he would be damned if she had more to deal with when he did than she has right now. Jeremy was dead, and maybe there was a way to bring him back and maybe there wasn't. All that mattered was that Elena didn't come back to a world that was worse than the one she'd left her dead brother in.

They all had a role to play, now more than ever. Damon had to keep them going. He had to make sure none of their plans involved self-sacrifice, had to make sure they had a contingency plan for the contingency plan, he had to be the eyes in the back of their heads and the extra stake they weren't planning on bringing. Stefan had to keep them from going too far, he had to be the guilt that reminded them of the price behind every action. He had to be the line they didn't pass, because if a Ripper hesitates then they definitely don't want to know what's on the other side of cliff. Caroline had to keep them on the right path, she had to be the one that filtered out even the smallest of distractions. It was up to her to make sure that their motives never strayed from staying alive, staying together and destroying any and everything that intended to divert them from that goal. Bonnie had to remind them what exactly they were fighting for; whether that was by getting her act together and being judge-y or by being completely crazy and reminded them just how much was at stake. She would be their before and after picture, it would be her job to keep them focused on getting the world back to the place it had been when things made sense.

Elena sets her house on fire, Matt gives himself a moment to break down, Damon and Stefan fortify their relationship, Caroline straightens her back, Bonnie focuses her energy. Everyone gets ready for the battles to come.


	3. Just Call This What It Is

**AN:** I find it increasingly hard to understand how people can question a Delena endgame, because she's completely swtiched off and the only person she can stand to be around is Damon. Not to overshadow the fact a switched off Damon didn't kill her for NOT being Katherine when they first met. But I guess you gotta let people hold on to their dreams. 4x17 :)

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_Then how should I be? Should I go back to being the scared little girl that couldn't admit what she wants… _

God no. He'd told Stefan that he didn't care whether Elena was human or a vampire and the same applies to her humanity. That's not what he loved about, it isn't about one thing, one virtue, one aspect of who Elena is that keeps him tied to her. Its everything. Its Elena. So no, he doesn't want her to go back to being unsure and broken and scared. But he also doesn't want her to make decisions she's going to regret, because whether or not she believes him one day she's going to flip the switch in the other direction and remember every action, every word, every feed, and he really really doesn't want to lose her.

Maybe it's selfish of her to play on his emotions but if it's going to get her what she wants then so be it, he'll bounce back. He always does, they always do. Maybe that's why he's the only person she can stand to be around right now, the only person she **wants** to be around. They are exactly the same, always have been. She spent so much time fighting the darkness inside of her and for what? To be liked, to not be judged? To live out some fairytale with a vampire so delusional and damaged that he planned to spend his eternity pretending to be human?! No thank-you. _For the longest time you wanted to be with me but you were scared that I would find out how awful you are but it doesn't matter because I don't care. _And she doesn't just mean now, but she can tell that's the way he takes it. She doesn't care now because she doesn't care about anything now. And like so much of their relationship it's the truth and a lie all in one. Because if she's willing to be honest, she didn't care before either; not when she'd become a vampire and not when she'd been human. He killed her brother for no reason other than to prove that he could, that Katherine hadn't broken him, that Elena couldn't stop him. And guess what? She went to bed that night hating herself because the second Jeremy woke up all she wanted to do was find Damon and hold his broken pieces together. He's awful, no doubt about it but so is she. Their single-minded selfishness, their willingness to do whatever it took to get what they wanted and protect who they loved. They want to fight, and bleed and ache because that's how powerfully they love. And she really doesn't care that the rest of the everyone is just starting to realize how alike they are, how well they complement each other, how they revel in the dark grey shades of the world.

The truly sad part, he doesn't care either. The sire bond is gone and she's still here. Still in his room not trying to kill Caroline because he asked her not to. She's still willing to listen to him, to hear him out, to work with him when all she seems able to do with anyone else is rebel. Maybe its because he's not giving her anything to rebel against. He doesn't demand things of her, just reasons with her… shows her the flaws in her murderous plans but let's be honest if it hadn't been Caroline he probably wouldn't have stopped her. She went to school and fed without killing anyone, so if she decided that someone needed to die, as wrong as it may be, he probably wouldn't question it. That's the problem with Stefan, he doesn't trust the decisions she's making because he doesn't trust that Elena is still Elena. _Be honest, You like me better like this. _Being honest, there's nothing 'better' to like. This is the person he always knew she was capable of being. Not that she was weak before, but she was young and unsure of herself and using the way other people felt about her as a measure of how good a person she was.

Now, she is who she is and makes no apologies for it. Now she's a vampire and so is he. What's not to like?


End file.
